Dick Pics: So, like, these are mandatory and totally allowed, but only if they’re shot in good lighting and they’ve got to have a good back story to them—otherwise, they’re just offensive and disgusting. One time, a really hot guy sent me a dick pick immediately after he accepted a job at a high-level law firm. I mean, duh...that’s hot! But, that guy who sent me a Snap asking me, "Does this look right?" after we were dating for only a few years, umm...no, honey. Bye.
Height Requirement: If you are under 5’ 9", have fun being a virgin for the rest of your life.
Profile Pic DOs: Show off your (full) body and (most of your) personality, displaying the fact that you have hobbies, interests and friends...but, not too many. Any more than one friend in a picture is unacceptable, because it makes it hard to spot who you are. Same goes for hobbies. You’ve also got to have a good, clear photo of yourself to prove you’re not a hobo. Oh, and you MUST LOVE DOGS. #WillSwipeRightForDogs. Unless they’re gross. Bonus points for showing off abs in the gym...you’ve just proven to every woman in the cyberworld that you, mister, are capable of committment! Also, your bio must be descriptive, yet witty, but also insightful, but like don’t share TOO much, ya know?! Oh, and SMILE. Serious pics are gross.
Profile Pics DONTs: No guns, fish, camo, hunting, vehicles of any kind, Snapbacks, pics of JUST your tacky tattoos (from when you were having your ’rebellious phase’ and thought carving a f**king tribal tattoo on your arm was gonna get you laid or something...LOL), any persons who could be your child or your ex, etc. Remember, "don’t make every selfie the same, and don’t make every photo a selfie!" Also remember, that the uglier you are, the funnier you must be. It also doesn’t hurt to list your zodiac sign (please don’t even kid yourselves, Leos and Libras...no one will date you).
Bio: Include a joke, something serious and a job which clearly describes your pay grade. Include some other important personal information, such as where you graduated from, family values, religious beliefs, why you are utilizing a dating app to begin with, etc. BE HONEST! Tell the world everything about you, unless you have something to hide. You don’t have anything to hide, do you???
Messaging: You have to message her first, okay, babe? Be interesting and have them ready to go to bed with you within the first sentence...that’s the goal, right?!
Grammar Etiquette: YOU WILL BE ALONE FOREVER IF YOU CANNOT DIFFERENTIATE "THEIR/THERE/THEY’RE." If they have a hard time with easy sh*t like this, then your out of luck.
Snapchat: Install this now, hon. How else will you know if they’re catfishing you? Also, pro tip: if they request money from you on Venmo, just do it...you don’t want to come off as a poor little bitch.
Even though this column is for the guys, I couldn’t leave my girls out! You already know pretty much all there is to know about online dating, babes. So, I will keep these two little morsels to the point:
Be Open To New Things: Okay ladies, remember, we are TRYING not to be judge-y this year. It’s 2019, people are wearing f***ing extensions for their EYELASHES and the one guy with the bad hair and spray tan from that TV show is president...it wouldn’t hurt you to go out of your comfort zone a bit. So, the next time your boyf wants to have a three-way, or even try out an open relationship, I say GO FOR IT! I mean, that means you don’t have to pretend you aren’t already having an affair with your favorite bartender. :)
Linking Accounts And Having A Plan B: Link your Insta and your Tinder. Also, include any networking that you can. Hey, if it doesn’t work out, you have potentially set yourself up for success to land a business op! Set your age preference max to 45—you could easily and absolutely become a sugar baby out of this! This way, you can be sure that handsome over there has a stable job and income, too.