Sean Simmans Dot ComCharles Wayne, Producer

Articles

Enjoy our interviews with celebrities, humor columns, guest features from comedians, community voices and much more...

A Saucetown Guide To Re-Opening After Quarantine

by Saucetown Staff

*Mosh pits will now become circle pits and circle pits will be limited to one person per circle.

*State fairs are still limited to one original member of Foghat and/or Foreigner per concert.

*Halloween parties will be limited to one shitty quarantine-inspired costume per group.

*Coastal destinations to remain closed, but visitors may watch "Beaches" on Amazon Prime for a generously reduced fee.

...(read more)

Spoiler Alert: A Quiet Place

by Sean Simmans

A Quiet Place is the tenth entry in a series of films about blind monsters who lash out at noise. After having their asses whopped by Vin Diesel in Pitch Black, the creatures have devised a mind-weapon that mostly causes human beings to forget how to use firearms or defend themselves...and it’s up to Jim Halpert to rebel them.

Halpert is an importer of white beach sand, residing in rural Kentucky, and he has devised a method to harvest corn soundlessly, without utilizing standard agricultural tools. He has also discovered Nikolai Tesla’s secret notebooks, allowing him to extract safe, renewable electricity out of thin air...

...(read more)

Spoiler Alert: Labyrinth

by Ray McMillin

In Labyrinth, David Bowie plays a child kidnapper who breaks into a teenage Jennifer Connelly’s bedroom, before abducting her and forcing her to engage in a series of life-threatening and mind-altering trials, all while trapped in the confines of a prison, which is inhabited mostly by immoral creatures who trick Jennifer into wasting all the remaining time she has to produce a child by herself.

Upon arriving at Bowie’s labyrinth, Jennifer is greeted by an elderly vagabond who is exposing his genitals to a small group of fairies, which he then kills by using a chemical assault weapon, as Jennifer is forced to watch.

...(read more)

A P.G. Guide To R-Rated Movies

by Ray McMillin

R-Rated movies are just as stupid as regular movies. However, you’re gonna need to know a few of the essential R-Rated movies if you want to look cool. So, here are a few synopses of important R-Rated movies, summarized to the point, so you don’t have to risk getting in trouble (or wasting your time), enjoy...(read more)

Children’s Books For The Modern Age

words by Ray McMillin, art by Sean Simmans

Classic books for kids, updated for the current year...(read more)

Things Mark Zuckerberg Can Do To Seem More Human

by Dan Stone

Following a recent appearance in front of a Senate judiciary committee, The Zuck is once again being criticized for appearing well, inhuman, in a number of curious ways. My advice to him is to read this list of, and take to heart (or whatever) these...(read more)

Saucetown Presents: How To Work At A Dispensary

by Your Local Neighborhood Budtender

So, after getting to know the budtenders at your local shop, you have decided that it would be killer to get a job at a dispensary. You have started following the cute girl behind the counter with the dreads and septum piercing on IG, but she hasn’t even watched all of your dab videos yet—and, that greasy guy behind the counter doesn’t even know what you mean when you ask for "good shit!" I know...it can be frustrating, I was there myself. But, now, as a highly experienced budtender of eight months, I am here to share my wealth of knowledge...

...(read more)

Cynthia Barley’s Wine Reviews

Where elitism and drunkenness colide...(read more)

Otis Barley’s Beer Reviews: Cider Spotlight

Where elitism and drunkenness colide...(read more)

Otis Barley’s Beer Reviews

Where elitism and drunkenness colide...(read more)

Community Voices: I Think I’m Finally Ready To Settle Down

by Bertha White

As I approach my sexual prime, I’m finally feeling ready to date a good man. I’ve been through decades of bad boys and a handful of one-night stands that, while fun at the time, have left me feeling as if something is missing. Perhaps—and I don’t mean to disappoint my sisters out there—it might just be time to look for a decent gentleman to settle down with...(read more)

Community Voices: What I Learned While Talking To The Homeless About Climate Change

by Brian Smugsworth

Did you know that the United States is ranked as the 86th worst country in the world when it comes to pollution? We actually pollute almost as much as Ireland and Finland combined! So, when I saw a homeless camp under the single bridge that connects my mid-sized town’s east and west sides, the first thing I thought was, "Wow! That is a LOT of single-use plastic items, littered along the riverside."...(read more)

Community Voices: I Should Be Allowed To Hunt Reindeer In The Privacy Of My Own Backyard

by Santa Claus

Listen up, you goddamn hippie vegans—I am not going to give up my family’s ability to eat, just because a handful of whiny brats think they can get in the way of my right to hunt reindeer on my own property...(read more)

Community Voices: Some Of My Best Friends Are Probably Black

by Becky Meyers

Everyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I champion diversity at any cost, almost to a fault. If there’s a hashtag that deals with oppression, I make sure to let my social media followers know that I support it...unless it’s one of those "no, we’re against something" hashtags, in which case I’m super against that thing...(read more)

Community Voices: I Have No Idea How To Play Game Of Thrones

by Anthony Latecomer

Literally everyone on social media has been talking about this new game where the goal (I think) is to sleep with your siblings and kill the people closest to you, for some sort of prize. I think the winner gets a new chair or something. However, I still have no idea how to play and I’m afraid to ask, but I definitely want to get in on the trend now...(read more)

Community Voices: Happy Valentine’s Day. Here’s An Old Photo Of You With Your Ex

by Mark Zuckerberg

People approach me on the street all the time and say, "Oh, hi, Mark. I really love the ’Facebook Memories’ feature that you guys added to my timeline. The inability to opt out of this feature makes it an easy and fun addition to my already satisfactory Facebook experience." This is why we’re taking the time to make your V-Day the happiest it can be, by soliciting to your timeline a picture of you with your ex, with no advance notice whatsoever!...(read more)

Community Voices: I Want My Next Divorce To Be Special

by Karen Smith-Boyle

It’s every girl’s dream—to grow up, meet a man, fall in love and then take him for half of everything he has in an ugly, drawn-out legal battle. But, in the current year, so many people are getting divorced that it’s really hard to make a separation stand out. That’s why I promise to make my next divorce the best one ever...(read more)

Community Voices: I Refuse To Let Uncle Sam Take Away My 3rd Amendment Rights

by Chester Woodchop, American

I know it’s fashionable to be all anti-patriotic these days, with all the damn kids running around in their safe spaces, demanding to take away my guns, but listen here, people: I’ll have you know, they can take away my first two amendments. But, I’m not gonna budge when it comes to the third one. As the bumper sticker explicitly states "No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."...(read more)

Community Voices: I’m Ashamed At My Gay Son’s Disgusting Choice In Men

by Brock Hammersmith, father

I remember when my son, Brian, first came out as a gay teen—it was a time when I was prepared to be fully supportive in his sexual orientation, but nothing could have prepared me for his disgusting choice to date Jeff, a gas station attendant well into his thirties. Any proud father would want the best for his gay son, yet my kid’s taste in men has left me feeling ashamed. Perhaps it is the blind ignorance of my generation that led me to believe gay men were strong, smart, successful and attractive, but Brian is sure as hell proving me wrong...(read more)

Community Voices: Sorry, But On November 6, I’m Just Gonna Sit This Menstrual Cycle Out

by Linda Hinsley

As an American woman who feels that it's important to retain at least a smidgen of control over her own body, I have a right to let my elected officials know that they have absolutely zero say-so in what I do with it. I’m sick of old, rich men trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my life. So, this Election Day, I'm going to stay home and flat-out refuse to ovulate...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Marc Price

Comedian and actor Marc Price is known for many things, from playing the part of "Skippy" on the beloved ’80s sitcom, Family Ties, to touring the country and headlining stand-up comedy shows. With a career that spans decades, it is an honor for us to share some of his knowledge.

Saucetown: You were a character on a beloved sitcom, Family Ties. Aside from cartoons, there really don’t seem to be a lot of beloved sitcoms on television these days. Why were the ’80s and ’90s so awesome, in terms of sitcoms?

Marc Price: For one thing, everyone was nice. Occasionally, there was a clear-cut bad guy that came with his own evil feet music, so we all knew. And then, that bad guy got his comeuppance at the end. Nowadays on television, everybody’s a prick. It’s fun sometimes, to switch back-and-forth from the retro channels to the regular channels and watch the difference—give it a try. And, in some ways, our show might have had a little to do with the change. Married With Children was bigger, but our character, Alex P, Keaton (I guess it’s Michael J Fox’s character—notice how I took ownership) was so lovable, because Michael J. Fox is so lovable and yet his political positions were cold and he might have started the whole crazy Republican, far-right thing.

Saucetown: What’s some advice you could give to up-and-coming stand-up comedians? Is a career in comedy worth pursuing for most people?

Marc Price: Back in the day, I would encourage everybody. But, now, with the way the seniors are at the moment, you really got to think twice before you make a commitment to a career in stand-up comedy. Maybe, soon, the next wave of whatever will emerge and evolve, and then it will be a great time to jump in...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: MC Lars

Saucetown recently caught up with MC Lars, an established rapper who has appeared on multiple festival lineups, released countless albums and is the only person on YouTube to provide his audience with music videos about Edgar Allen Poe.

Saucetown: What’s New With You?

MC Lars: I am releasing an EP about Who Framed Roger Rabbit, in honor of the 30th anniversary. It’s called Notes From Toontown and it will most likely be out when this goes to press.

Saucetown: how close are we To A.I. becoming self-aware and do you have any tips for dealing with gigantic, killer robots (that you have not yet addressed in your music)?

MC Lars: Befriend them now! Speak nicely when discussing their powers, because they are listening. Once we reach the singularity, it will be curtains and we most likely won’t have a ska soundtrack...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Jade Nile

Saucetown recently caught up with adult film actress and Portland-based performer, Jade Nile, for a PG-13-rated interview and extended pizzafold shoot.

Saucetown: What type of pizza does a professional sexy lady eat, and why? What pizzas would you recommend staying away from?

Jade Nile: I recommend eating all the pizza. Especially if it’s vegan and gluten free. But make sure the cheese is real. You know, keep your pizza priorities straight.

Saucetown: You've performed locally, via feature sets at Kit Kat Club. How do you like the NW? Why are there so many damn hipsters in Portland and how do you deal with that crowd? What are your true, honest thoughts on Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Jade Nile: I love the PNW so much I’ve moved here twice this year. The hipsters drove me out of town and then brought me back. Love hate relationship, you know? Pabst is like their water, and I admire how the hipsters bathe it in. I tried it once. Not for me. I’ll stick around though...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Alex Elkin

In between living the family life and preparing his 2019 comedy album, Screaming At Shapes, comedian Alex Elkin caught up with Saucetown to discuss everything from pizza to comedy. As the winner of the San Francisco Comedy Competition and a feature on the Netflix show, Trinkets, Alex Elkin is far from a "local" comedian, even though he is based near Eugene, Oregon.

Saucetown: What’s the best advice you could give to a road comic?

Alex Elkin: A continental breakfast is a continental breakfast whether or not you’re a "guest" of the hotel or have just slept in your car in the parking lot. Feeling tired? Gas prices killing your bottom line? Remember that AAA will tow you and your car up to 100 miles, no questions asked.

Saucetown: What are your best and worst experiences from the road?

Alex Elkin: The best was when a couple told me they drove a 150-mile round trip, out of their way, to come see me at this no-name barbecue joint in the middle of nowhere. They told me they’d seen me a month prior. That night, they’d decided they wanted to get back to normal life after losing their infant daughter to SIDS. They came to my comedy show, and for the first time in the months of their mourning, they laughed and they were people again. They came to see me all that way because I made them feel like they weren’t just people stricken with a loss and life wasn’t so bad for a moment...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Mars

Saucetown recently caught up with rapper, media mogul, underground icon and horrorcore pioneer, Mars. Based in the Bay Area, this hard-working emcee had an extensive phone chat with Saucetown while in his Midwest-based recording studio.

Saucetown: You’re an award-winning horrorcore rapper. Our staff has had Creatures Of The Night stuck in our head for weeks, it’s a perfect Halloween theme song and features heavyweights Tech N9ne and Twiztid. But, in addition to the horror, you also have a lot of controversial humor intertwined in your music. What’s your stance on the current state of comedy?

Mars: I got friends of many races, I’m from the hood, I’m Mexican...but, I like the shock factor of a good joke. I don’t care if it’s racist or if someone says something about somebody I love, if a good joke is a good joke and a good joke has a punchline, it’s a good joke. With a good joke, in my opinion, the word "punch" hits you right in the side of the head. If you take that value out of life, then it’s just boring. I wanna punch you right in the side of the head, the whole time, with my jokes—I have a great sense of humor.

Saucetown: So, you don’t exactly like living in a watered-down world?

Mars: Well, the more gentrified the world gets...I dunno—a "good," gentrified world may be a great place for the rest of folks, but for me personally, I don’t want the world to be perfect. I don’t want people to totally be at peace. I don’t want people to just eat veggies and fish, I don’t want girls to make me use protection...I like the dirtiness of the world and people are fu*#ng that up...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Killjoy

This month, we are talking with a rapper and producer who actually reached out to us, so we are more than happy to show him some love. Fatty’s House Recording artist, Killjoy, joins us...

Saucetown: On the note of high-budget (no pun intended) Batmobile-and-cannabis infused music videos, what are some other benefits of being independent, other than not having to ask a major label permission (and being told "no") to using real fire in the videos? How did you go about learning how to book/tour/produce etc? Why do you think some acts are overlooked?

Killjoy: I assume the reason underground artists may be looked at in a certain kind of way by the mainstream is because they are small fish, in a sense. So it’s like a whale and a guppy might both be in the same ocean, but they don’t acknowledge each other like that. At Fattys House, we try to blur the line as much as possible, because we do see the merit, the hustle and the drive of all of these artists. Regardless of what tier they are on, what box you put them in or whatever. That, right there, is one of the main reasons I love being independent, which kinda moves into the next part of the question. I am working with mainstream and underground artists, back-to-back, and because of that, I am putting people on records with other artists who have never worked together before...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Sean Simmans

We sat down with artist and madman, Sean Simmans, the man responsible for all hand-drawn wizardry in our fine publication. Without him, we would be nothing (or worse). Behind the pen is a twisted genius, a funnyman, a father and an icon to many of our readers. Enjoy...

Saucetown:So, how did you get started, what inspires you and why do you keep doing art?

Sean Simmans: I began doing art as a way to skip partaking in schoolwork, right about when grade two happened. My scribblers were full of doodles and nonsense, inspired by Mad magazines, Star Wars (brand new!), and Uncle Scrooge comics...very little of anything educational. This would be a problem for the next ten years, or so. Maybe it still is. Remember Uncle Scrooge comics? Those were fantastic! In time, I added National Lampoon, Rip Off Comix, and Heavy Metal to my reading list of mind-rot. Currently, I think I am inspired by other Artists...like, "Holy hell! That frickin’ guy is making CASH and he’s FAMOUS—I better churn out some comic nonsense and try to grab a piece of that pie!" And, seeing an odd-yet-pretty face at the grocery store can send me into an artistic spiral...(read more)

Saucetown Interview: Wiley Roberts

Saucetown recently caught up with Wiley Roberts, a professional stand-up comedian who has been working in the entertainment business for decades. Wiley has appeared on MTV, Comedy Central, Politically Incorrect and in the film, The Hot Chick.

Saucetown: You recently recorded two comedy albums. How did you tackle the process of recording live albums?

Wiley Roberts: The first one I recorded was called Pizza And Drunk White Women. I recorded it at Shotski’s in Salem...That was a crazy night, Full of chaos and drunk women (laughs)! It was a ‘test run’ for my Zoom H-6. When I listened to it, it sounded good, but it had too much stuff going on, in the way of audience noise. I think I’m gonna hold on to it, in case I need to play it for people who think this sh*t is easy...(read more)

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