*Mosh pits will now become circle pits and circle pits will be limited to one person per circle.
*State fairs are still limited to one original member of Foghat and/or Foreigner per concert.
*Halloween parties will be limited to one shitty quarantine-inspired costume per group.
*Coastal destinations to remain closed, but visitors may watch "Beaches" on Amazon Prime for a generously reduced fee.
*Black Friday shoppers must trample and maim each other using projectiles or blunt objects over six feet in length.
*Laugh tracks for late night shows must reflect a mostly empty room of audience members spaced to reflect social distancing.
*"Don’t Stand So Close To Me" will get really played out real quick, so back-to-work DJs are encouraged use it sparingly.
*Salad bars will be closed, but not due to the ’Rona—it’s because they’re filthy, disgusting hives of gluttony and disease.
*All categories besides "solo" on, umm, certain popular video streaming services will be temporarily banned.
*Masks required for all customers at local banks, including those with extra cash, located close to freeways and pretty empty on most Tuesdays.