As an American woman who feels that it's important to retain at least a smidgen of control over her own body, I have a right to let my elected officials know that they have absolutely zero say-so in what I do with it. I’m sick of old, rich men trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my life. So, this upcoming Tuesday, I'm going to stay home and flat-out refuse to ovulate.
I know—it's selfish. There are thousands of women my age, all over the planet, who aren't even able to use their ovaries anymore. But, isn't it also my right to say, "You know what? I don't feel as if there's a man out there worthy of my eggs, so what’s the point in trying to attract one who represents my interests?" You can call it a week of absence, or just a silent protest. But, come next Tuesday, I'm going to send a message to the so-called reproductive "system," by simply staying inside and eating ice cream, as if I’m already on my period.
Okay, I can hear the nay-sayers now, claiming that, by choosing to not ovulate, I’ll be wasting a perfectly good chance to elect another life into this world. But, if my options are Jeff from the accounting department, my manchild neighbor who plays video games all day, the racist dude at the gym or whatever hipster just moved here from Portland, tell me again...why should I ovulate?
Besides, there are plenty of women who participate in the whole menstrual cycle thing, only to find out that their eggs didn’t even matter in the first place. For instance, my neighbor Bernie was told by a doctor that her uterus will never even produce a child, regardless of how badly all those dudes in Subarus at the Starbucks drive-thru want her to win. I mean, my system’s already made up its mind, right? The whole game is rigged and I’d be dumb to even try to play it. But, hey, if a politician wants to buy my eggs, he can.