Sean Simmans Dot ComCharles Wayne, Producer

Community Voices: I Should Be Allowed To Hunt Reindeer In The Privacy Of My Own Backyard

by Santa Claus

Listen up, you goddamn hippie vegans—I am not going to give up my family’s ability to eat, just because a handful of whiny brats think they can get in the way of my right to hunt reindeer on my own property.

Do you think there’s a Whole Foods within walking distance of my house? I live on the North Pole and I am getting really tired of eating penguin. And, since you already took away the seal meat, what makes you think you need to starve the entire Claus family, by protesting my right to make sweet, tender venison in the comfort of my own backyard?

Oh, they’re "cute," you say? Die in a fire. Last week, one of Rudolph’s bastard reinkids attacked Mrs. Claus in her sleep, because he became rabid after being infected by a polar bear bite. I had to make one of the newer elves take him behind the shack and put a bolt in the side of his skull, which probably traumatized the little guy. Are you telling me I can’t use this meat for food, either?

The other thing I haven’t mentioned here yet, is that reindeer meat is amazing. Imagine the most juicy street taco you’ve ever flavor that with a blend of magical dust, seasonal powder and the hopes and dreams of all the children I will not be visiting this year, because their parents have made it impossible for me to hunt on my own land.

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