As I approach my sexual prime, I’m finally feeling ready to date a good man. I’ve been through decades of bad boys and a handful of one-night stands that, while fun at the time, have left me feeling as if something is missing. Perhaps—and I don’t mean to disappoint my sisters out there—it might just be time to look for a decent gentleman to settle down with.
When my daughter turned 40, she said to me, "Mom, it sure would be nice to have a stepfather who could help out around the nursing home." But, at the time, I didn’t know if I could limit my options to just one guy. I mean, there’s just nothing but losers out there. For instance, Jeff was a stunning and compassionate personal trainer who worked with rescue kittens when he wasn’t volunteering at the homeless shelter. But...he wore jorts. Ugh. That was a definite "swipe left." Then, there was Steve, who made his fortune buying something called bitcoins back in 2009. Steve was fun, but he just didn’t have that special something that gets me all excited. I wish the coke-dealing male nurse who was assigned to my room didn’t overdose...him and I got along great when his wife wasn’t blowing up his phone.
I guess I’m just not used to the idea of commitment, especially since I have so much to offer; what man wouldn’t be impressed by a woman with two degrees, a great personality and the ability to just stay in bed and cuddle for weeks? But, I’m not willing to settle for just anybody—I’m looking for a man to understand that my two daughters and wonderful grandchildren come first, as do my hobbies. I am not going to miss a single night of Bingo with the ladies at the Elk’s Lodge, just because some jerk wants to tube-feed me steak and wine on his time. However, if you think you’re man enough to handle this, give me a call on my landline.