I’ve recently been dealing with the death of my boyfriend, who was taken from us in a freak car accident while driving to the beach. Do you have any advice for how to process such a tragic loss?"
Oh my gosh, I love the beach!!! Wait, first of all, I am so sorry that your BF died on you. Totally not cool and V inconvenient. But I do wonder, why was he going to the beach without you in the first place? Seems like maybs he was cheating with a side b*tch? I will never understand why men can’t just let a girl know when he’s not feeling the relationship anymore, ya know? They have to go all out and be dramatic and then end up getting killed. Whatever. Anyways, back to your question—in my opinion, you have dodged a bullet and you should be feelin’ single and ready to mingle, girlfriend! But, I totes understand that some people need time to process these things, so here’s my advice... (read more)
Dear Candi, I’m thinking about proposing on this upcoming Valentine’s Day. But, I’m having second thoughts and I don’t know if I really want to spend the rest of my life with the girl I’m in love with. Please let me know what I should do, before February rolls around...
Ummm...obvs, yes. But, did you? That’s my question. If you didn’t, you should break up with her and apologize for wasting her time...that poor girl. Tell her that you were going to propose, but you didn’t, and now you’re too ashamed for having hurt her by telling her this. It’s YOUR fault. You’re both better off alone. You’re welcome . And, if you did propose, I hope she said "no," because she deserves to be with a man who wouldn’t message another woman for advice. ♥
Dear "Candi," your column is sexist, ignorant, bigoted, anti-American and makes me cringe every time I read it. You give blondes a bad name.
Awh, thank you!!! ☺ xoxo... (read more)
I’m a cross-country diesel trucker who often spends a long time on the open road. While I like to make sure I’m obeying all laws and safety precautions at any given time, my mind often wanders whie I’m in between major cities. Any tips on how to keep my mind from wandering to dark places?"
First of all, know that a long stretch of open highway means you can clear your mind. So, why not use your clear mind to clear out your inboxes? Take this time to get rid of all those old Facebook requests, ignored text messages, clutter in the glove compartment and empty Starbucks cups from the back seat. A clean phone and a clean car mean a clean mind!
Next, it’s time to take care of those eyebrows, honey. The rear-view mirror of most modern cars is at perfect level to address that nasty unibrow or pluck up those already-perfect eyebrows to be even better. If you don’t carry tweezers in your center console, like I do, go ahead and use your nails... (read more)
Dick Pics: So, like, these are mandatory and totally allowed, but only if they’re shot in good lighting and they’ve got to have a good back story to them—otherwise, they’re just offensive and disgusting. One time, a really hot guy sent me a dick pick immediately after he accepted a job at a high-level law firm. I mean, duh...that’s hot! But, that guy who sent me a Snap asking me, "Does this look right?" after we were dating for only a few years, umm...no, honey. Bye.
Height Requirement: If you are under 5’ 9", have fun being a virgin for the rest of your life.
Profile Pic DOs: Show off your (full) body and (most of your) personality, displaying the fact that you have hobbies, interests and friends...but, not too many... (read more)
Dear Candi, I am having a seriously hard time kicking hard drugs. I know that your column rarely deals with addiction, but I’m reaching out as a last resort here. No one will answer my calls or emails and I really appreciate that you take the time to give such amazing advice. Can you help me with my hard drug problem, before I lose everything?
First of all, I’m not even going to act like I haven’t been there. I mean, those things are hard to avoid. In high school, I was deep in that scene. One night, I raided Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet with the guy I had a super huge crush on, and that’s where it all began. I will NEVER look at Bacardi Gold the same, EVER again.
Next it was pot. I remember how concerned my mom was when she caught on to my week-long bad habit of smuggling apples to smoke out of in the back yard. You guys, I was so tacky and drugged-out that someone talked me into EATING the apple when I was done. WTF. The munchies told me to do it!! I know...I’m disgusted with myself, too... (read more)
I’m a single parent who is raising a family of four on a fixed income, and I’m worried that I may not be able to stretch my budget for the holiday season. Do YOU have any suggestions, regarding what types of stores or businesses are able to offer discounted gifts on a budget?"
Happy holidays, love muffin! I don’t know about your budget, but what I do know is that Spencer’s Gifts has rats.
People who shop at Spencer’s are the scum of the earth. Spencer’s is like that one super-weird drama troupe kid from high school, who wears fedoras, smokes cigarettes at "the corner" and proudly wears animal costumes in public. I know that you know who I’m talking about, honey... (read more)
As I sit here with my child, sound asleep, all I can think about are things like, "Who will she be when she grows up?" and "What will her voice sound like when she starts talking more and develops and grows into her own person?" Like all other good, cool moms, I too wonder, "Is she getting everything she needs from me? If I leave the room while she’s asleep, will she stop breathing? And why the f**k does she insist on singing the song of her people at 3:32am, every...f**king...night?! What an asshole move.
Yes, I think it’s acceptable to call your toddler an asshole . I mean, I think one should be able to call any creature who refuses to allow another to shower and/or use the toilet (without screaming at the top of their lungs to let them in) an asshole. But, apparently, I will miss all of these AMAZING things. Miss what, bitch? You’re telling me that I am going to MISS the crying every time I leave a room? The expensive-ass medicines? Not to mention, being unable to sh*t alone and never having time to myself??? I didn’t sign up for this crap!...
There are even some single moms out there who are boujie as f**k on Instagram, with paid sponsorships! WHERE IS MY SPONSORSHIP?! Instead, I get to call my own mother to discuss fun topics, such as my child’s poop consistency... (read more)
I am stuck. We all like to make New Year’s resolutions, but at my age, I am having trouble deciding between focusing on my health or preparing for my family’s financial future after I pass on, which is likely to happen sooner than not. Any advice is welcome, and I hope you had a great holiday season."
Hey Babes. I don’t know, but I can tell you that this year, I will... (read more)
I’m a dark-sinned Latino who is often targeted by police officers, most likely because they think I’m African American. I’m torn on how to deal with this. On one hand, I am sick of being racially profiled. On the other, I’d feel weird playing up the fact I’m not black to get out of a ticket. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?"
So, how dark are we talking? I mean, like black black, or like mocha? I guess it doesn’t matter. I LOVE colored guys, and I am so happy to help you out! I like to think that I am the queen of getting out of tickets when cops pull me over. I still have a crystal clear record, and I’m certain that it’s because of all of these tips I’m about to enlighten you with... (read more)