Saucetown News
Saucetown News


May / June 2019

The biggest little coffee chain in the Northwest has decided that it’s okay for poor people to pee.

"Whether you’re black, white, gay, straight, trans, cis, able-bodied or wheelchair-bound, everyone has the right to tinkle, especially after drinking sixteen ounces of burnt espresso that costs more than a martini," a regional representative for Starbucks told the press.

"But, we usually avoid making eye contact with the homeless people who sleep outside of our store. I mean, they weren’t always homeless, back when they worked at Bean Bros. Coffee. But, we bought that place—fair and square—with no mention of having to take in the old employees, even if they did end up moving into the alley behind our building. "

"So, to show how ‘progressive’ we are, the city has forced us to...excuse me, we have decided to allow non-paying customers—who usually just order a house coffee and loiter until the buses start running again—to spend up to sixty seconds in one of our solid steel, keycard-guided restrooms. The door code is 1298218648156, or you can just enter your Bitcoin address and that will buy you a full five minutes to poop, without having to purchase anything. Plus, Starbucks Card holders get to use toilet paper! "

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