Saucetown News
Saucetown News

Saucetown News

A nation-wide lack of available chicken sandwiches has led to a disastrous situation at several locations for the national fast food chain, Popeye’s. In response, the President declared a national emergency last month, ordering troops to take extreme caution when engaging with agitated citizens... (read more)

Thanks to a holiday vacation scheduled for long-distance boyfriend James, local college student and sorority member Brittany Patterson has announced that several of her male friends will lose their benefit status, due to James’ visit home for the holiday season... (read more)

Due to an error by Best Lil Print Shop In Dallas, hundreds gathered at the State Capitol last month with signs calling for Nug Control. "Yeah, the message may seem backwards at first, but we thought about it and we’re pretty sure the weed industry needs some regulation as well, so here we are," an excited attendee reported... (read more)

According to insiders, your wife of two years has started to reconsider her life choices and is planning to file for legal separation... (read more)

The biggest little coffee chain in the Northwest has decided that it’s okay for poor people to pee... (read more)

A Craigslist ad placed late last Wednesday evening actually serves as a reminder of the recipient’s luck and a need for increased awareness regarding the safety of strangers in public... (read more)

After attempting to hold on to that feeling for more than three minutes, intoxicated bar patron, divorcee and karaoke singer, "Big" Kimmy Chesterfield, gave up on believing and just held on to the mic for the remainder of her song, while attending South Sunnyside Bar & Grill’s "Sing With Tha Stars" event... (read more)

Sources close to you have indicated that the place with the good tacos got bought out by some people from California, and now the food is pretty bland, even though they have a new bar... (read more)

According to close friends and family, vegan socialite and area hipster, Steven Smithey, actually likes the stuff he committed to doing in 2018, compared to anything he plans on doing this year... (read more)

While enjoying a holiday dinner with his family, cryptocurrency enthusiast and worst goddamn nephew ever, Dan Corn, opted to quickly change the topic when Bitcoin was brought up, to a less controversial and more appropriate topic for discussion... (read more)

While many Americans are gearing up to celebrate the mass genocide and extinction of their country’s indigenous population, several progressive households are making sure that they don’t act like savages, choosing instead to consume soy-based, vegan, turkey-flavored tofu, with raw kale from Trader Joe’s... (read more)

Two Salem-area residents were arrested last week, after the recently matched couple forgot to fully extinguish their campfire, during a brief hookup near Detroit Lake... (read more)

Earlier this week, Oregon State Troopers pulled over a truck for a minor traffic infraction, but soon discovered over five tons of unregistered, non-taxable tobacco, imported from nearby Idaho... (read more)

An African-American child was reported to have been soliciting snack foods to residents near the 5600 block of Caucasian Heights Road in West Linn, Oregon, according to area police. The child, described by 44-year-old West Linn resident Barb Taylor as "intimidating, possibly violent and definitely illegal," is said to have been accepting cash in exchange for shortbread cookies and candy-coated mints... (read more)

As of September 1st, all crime in Josephine County, Oregon will be legal. Residents are Encouraged to continue on as normal... (read more)

Fans of the latest and last installment in the Star Wars franchise will be pleased to know that the film is almost two-thirds of the way done and on schedule for its release, but audiences will have to wait nearly a month to see it... (read more)

LGBTQ activists and sports fans rejoiced, as Sarah Summers became the first trans athlete to appear in a broadcast related to sports and athletics... (read more)

The Spirit Mountain Verizon HP Tesla Salem Art Fair (Presented By Facebook)—an Oregon staple that continues to attract dozens of recurring visitors to Bush Park each July—has decided to show some love to the Willamette Valley, by featuring one of its best artists... (read more)

After years of fleecing the American people for their hard-earned cash, the Girl Scouts Of America have just been dealt a tough blow in the form of federal sanctions against their peddling of addictive, savory, chemical-laced snack products... (read more)

Economists and casual beer drinkers have both indicated an exhaustion in the tap housing market, with the trend of smug bar owners charging nine dollars for a warm pint of apple-flavored lager expected to come to a long-awaited halt sometime this summer... (read more)

HEADLINE NEEDED

March 2019

Hey Karen, I went to the store for a few minutes. Can you put something here before we go to print?... (read more)

Close friends and family wished the city of Portland, Oregon a happy fifteenth birthday last month... (read more)

While many Oregon residents are excited at the prospects of new jobs at Amazon arriving at their doorsteps, many have complained that their careers are disappearing in broad daylight... (read more)

Barbara Eyel-Onestaria, owner of Eve’s Bean & Blunt, has recently expressed a serious objection to a harmless pile of free comedy magazines, claiming they promote alternative lifestyles and counter-culture humor... (read more)

After a rapid-fire series of inquiries regarding how her customer’s day was going, plans for later and preference regarding whipped cream, Dutch Bros barista Jaxton Taylor became overheated and shut down, before being rushed to a nearby Pac-Sun, to be refurbished and sent to another stand... (read more)

With the holidays soon approaching, many travelers are coming face-to-face with their fear of flying. However, a recent study has confirmed that a person boarding an airplane is over ten times less likely to die than a Winco shopper... (read more)

It may be a bleak month ahead for local Democrats who are expecting to get their breakfast served to them on time, sources inside a local pancake restaurant informed Saucetown this week... (read more)

With thousands of Americans getting ready to tackle the crippling depression they experience during the early holiday season, Applebee’s is preparing for their yearly influx of sad customers... (read more)

In the latest in a series of continued efforts to modernize, Pope Francis has reported that the Catholic church WILL soon accept major cryptocurrencies, including Bitcoin (BTC), Litecoin (LTC), Ethereum (ETH), Dogecoin (DOGE) and Neo (NEO)... (read more)

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler recently proposed utilizing preexisting groups of citizens who have proven to provide effective, inexpensive methods of stopping interstate freeway traffic, in order to cut construction costs associated with upcoming bridge closures... (read more)

Due to a series of protests and general public backlash over the coffee chain’s approach to holiday decor, Starbucks has announced that their company will now stand united against all forms of religion, up to and including those which celebrate major holidays... (read more)

According to insider sources, area wine aunt and thrice-divorced jewelry re-seller Traci Jones-Peterson has recently enjoyed several forms of comedic entertainment and has yet to die... (read more)

After a social media backlash brought attention to Starbucks and their lack of in-house promotion of black coffee, the Seattle-based company is responding to criticism... (read more)

As more and more Oregon-area businesses attempt to curtail centuries of geologic evolution by mandating usage of paper bags for shoppers, not everyone is falling for the brown bag craze. Some folks, mainly those who operate outside of the law, are taking things into their own hands, literally... (read more)

Mark Jackson, owner of The Bohemian Bun & Bovinae, expressed anxious enthusiasm about his restaurant’s new menu options, which now include a few minor additions to adjust for what he calls "the unexpectedly surprising taste of reality."... (read more)

As of Sunday, February 3rd, 2019, racism is no longer a thing, thanks to a polished, woke advertisement from Adidas... (read more)

Scientists and statisticians were baffled last month, after a Corvallis-area customer requested a chocolate shake from a McDonald’s drive-thru, to which an employee responded with "Sure, will that complete your order?"... (read more)

Denver-area officials completely spaced updating their paperwork for the new calendar year, and now everything is all messed up... (read more)

Due to a rapid increase in drivers seemingly asleep at the wheel, the city of Portland, OR has opted to install lack-of-motion-sensing cameras at major intersections between S.E. Powell and West Burnside... (read more)

Although the argument against data backing the existence of a supposed Baby Gap has been around for years, Salem Center Mall management has officially cleared up any rumors regarding such a thing... (read more)

Consumer electronics chain Best Buy recently took to social media to apologize for the #AllFridaysMatter hashtag, started by an employee of the store in an attempt to extend Black Friday sales to every Friday of the month... (read more)

Sources indicate that the duo got so baked and drunk that they ended up sitting in the Sonic drive-thru, two hours after the place had closed, laughing at a picture of ice cream... (read more)

While jobs remain sparse, potholes litter the commute, emergency services are forced to beg for funding and the homeless problem continues to go unaddressed. Yet, one heroic local burger shop is taking a stance against non-organic produce, pink slime and non-craft beer... (read more)

In a shocking and unpredictable turn of events, radical feminist activist groups have recently expressed benign approval of Rockstar Games' latest release, Red Dead Redemption 2. While developers initially anticipated a significant amount of backlash from progressive media, figureheads for the feminist movement have recently gone on record as stating that the new video game is "in no way problematic."... (read more)

In an official statement made last week, Chuck Bennett, mayor of Oregon's third-largest metropolitan area, told City Council that he "feels Salem water is most likely, probably pretty safe by now... (read more)