APPLEBEE’S PREPARES FOR SEASONAL AFFECT DISORDER
With thousands of Americans getting ready to tackle the crippling depression they experience during the early holiday season, Applebee’s is preparing for their yearly influx of sad customers.
According to a company spokesperson, "This happens every year. People struggle with the worst things you can think of, from thoughts of self-harm, to dealing with chemical addictions. That’s why we are offering discount appetizers, weekday nights from 9pm until close. Of course, these great deals require a beverage purchase, so we offer many fantastic Appleb-ocktails for our valued customers to choose from."
Customers who are too depressed to leave their vehicles are encouraged to phone in their orders from the parking lot. "We even put up a sign, letting people know that they can just sit there in their pajama pants, crying and ordering boneless chicken wings from their phone. When their order is ready, we will immediately text them back, unlike their loved ones," Applebee’s told Saucetown.
It is worth noting that these "fantastic deals" will end soon, so, customers who still possess their wills to live are encouraged to take advantage of as many appetizer specials as they can, before their depression reaches clinical levels.