Ask Candi Brandywine: Holiday Shopping Tips

@CandiBrandyWine is a full-time, professional advice columnist. You may contact her by email with your question, or you may follow her on Twitter and on Instagram.

"Dear Candi,

I’m a single parent who is raising a family of four on a fixed income, and I’m worried that I may not be able to stretch my budget for the holiday season. Do YOU have any suggestions, regarding what types of stores or businesses are able to offer discounted gifts on a budget?"

Happy holidays, love muffin! I don’t know about your budget, but what I do know is that Spencer’s Gifts has rats.

People who shop at Spencer’s are the scum of the earth. Spencer’s is like that one super-weird drama troupe kid from high school, who wears fedoras, smokes cigarettes at "the corner" and proudly wears animal costumes in public. I know that you know who I’m talking about, honey.

I’ve literally seen the stupidist shit at Spencer’s. How are they still open? Do people in downtown Salem seriously buy a copy of "Santa’s Secret Sex Positions" and a lava lamp for little Suzie at the same location? I guess, I mean, we DO live in Salem...

Who the f*#k even is this "Spencer," anyway? A sick f*#k, that’s who! Like, let’s open a store that looks like it could be kid-friendly in front, but then, NOPE...there’s some titty tassels like mommy’s, just beyond the register. And why the hell does the "Twinkle Twinkle Little Slut" shirt come in a children’s small? That’s just messed up, Spencer.

And the workers there—quality people, let me tell you! Those hippie ravers haven’t change their gauges since...ever. They have great style, if you’re into the whole "DID YOU SEE HOW MANY RAVE BEADS I GOT FROM THE COOL RAVES I WENT TO? I LIKE TO RAVE. I HAVEN’T EATEN IN A WEEK AND I CAN SMELL SOUNDS!!! IS IT NORMAL TO BE ROLLING ON MOLLY FROM TWO DAYS AGO?" look. You can do better, honey (yes, even you).

My point is that Spencer’s is gross and I found out they won’t carry my f*#cking magazine b/c I’m too "derogatory." Well, f*#k you, Spencer’s (and Spencer, if he’s a real person).

Luv ‘n’ Hugs!

—@CandiBrandywine ♡

Do YOU have a question for @CandiBrandyWine? Feel free to email her at [email protected] with your question. Or, if you’re brave, follow @CandiBrandyWine on Twitter and Instagram.

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