Ask Candi Brandywine: New Year’s Resolutions

@CandiBrandyWine is a full-time, professional advice columnist. You may contact her by email with your question, or you may follow her on Twitter and on Instagram.

"Dear Candi,

I am stuck. We all like to make New Year’s resolutions, but at my age, I am having trouble deciding between focusing on my health or preparing for my family’s financial future after I pass on, which is likely to happen sooner than not. Any advice is welcome, and I hope you had a great holiday season."

Hey Babes. I don’t know, but I can tell you that this year, I will...

Help save the environment. — I’ll buy a brand-new Lexus Hatch, because it’s more eco-friendly than my Scion Sport. Hello, Hybrid! Ooh, or maybe a Tesla!

Make better financial decisions. — Instead of buying Starbies and their oh-so-delicious bacon Gruyere eggbites every day, I will opt for an instant pot to make my own bacon Gruyere eggbites and a Nespresso machine, instead. It’s a lot up front, but I think it will eventually pay for itself.

Clean out my friendship closet. — Becky’s gotta go, with her poor fashion sense and shit opinions. So does my old roommate Braxton, who now works at Dutch and always forgets to give me a pink straw (that’s why Starby’s is wayyy better, anyways). Oh, and probably Grams, too. She’s always posting in ALL-CAPS and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Decide that my well-being comes first, period. — This means demanding that I don’t get written up every time I have to call in with a migraine or self-care day. Oh, and I’m for sure getting that E.R. triage bitch fired for not prioritizing her client’s needs. Like, she bumped someone ahead of me in line because they "literally broke a femur," but, hello, I "literally can’t even." I think it’s common knowledge that everyone has two femurs and I was there first.

Focus on my health. — I need to drink more, I guess I should order ice cubes in my cosmos? Also, no more late-night runs to McDonald’s after the bar closes, even if there’s no line.

Be more sexually responsible. — I will only sleep with guys who PROMISE that they’re clean. I mean, how else am I going to learn trust?

Spend more time with family. — Even though Taeli’s dad is on "extended staycation" at a "resort" that happens to be "high security" with "limiting visiting hours," he should still make an effort to come see us at least once a year. Besides, it’s a hundred yards away, not miles, a**hole!!!

Stop seeking validation. — Even if it means limiting my gym check-ins and selfies to a reasonable amount per hour. People should know that they can find me in the real world, at places like Starby’s, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Snapchat, Twitch, Bumble, Twitter, Tinder, Grindr...I don’t spend ALL my time on Facebook .

Get "beach body" ready. — I want to lose so much weight that people are concerned. Like, when they run into me at Nordy’s, I want them to be afraid to comment on my size—as they should be.

Luv ‘n’ Hugs!

—@CandiBrandywine ♡

Do YOU have a question for @CandiBrandyWine? Feel free to email her at [email protected] with your question. Or, if you’re brave, follow @CandiBrandyWine on Twitter and Instagram.

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