Saucetown
Sean Simmans Dot Com Charles Wayne, Producer

A Saucetown Guide To Re-Opening After Quarantine

*Mosh pits will now become circle pits and circle pits will be limited to one person per circle.

*State fairs are still limited to one original member of Foghat and/or Foreigner per concert.

*Halloween parties will be limited to one shitty quarantine-inspired costume per group.

*Coastal destinations to remain closed, but visitors may watch "Beaches" on Amazon Prime for a generously reduced fee.

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Spoiler Alert: Labyrinth

by Ray McMillin

In Labyrinth, David Bowie plays a child kidnapper who breaks into a teenage Jennifer Connelly’s bedroom, before abducting her and forcing her to engage ina series of life-threatening and mind-altering trials, all while trapped in the confines of a prison, which is inhabited mostly by immoral creatures who trick Jennifer into wasting all the remaining time she has to produce a child by herself.

Upon arriving at Bowie’s labyrinth, Jennifer is greeted by an elderly vagabond who is exposing his genitals to a small group of fairies, which he then kills by using a chemical assault weapon, as Jennifer is forced to watch.

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Spoiler Alert: A Quiet Place

by Sean Simmans

A Quiet Place is the tenth entry in a series of films about blind monsters who lash out at noise. After having their asses whopped by Vin Diesel in Pitch Black, the creatures have devised a mind-weapon that mostly causes human beings to forget how to use firearms or defend themselves...and it’s up to Jim Halpert to rebel them.

Halpert is an importer of white beach sand, residing in rural Kentucky, and he has devised a method to harvest corn soundlessly, without utilizing standard agricultural tools. He has also discovered Nikolai Tesla’s secret notebooks, allowing him to extract safe, renewable electricity out of thin air...

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Ask @CandyBrandywine: Grieving A Lost Boyfriend

"Dear Candi,

I’ve recently been dealing with the death of my boyfriend, who was taken from us in a freak car accident while driving to the beach. Do you have any advice for how to process such a tragic loss?"

Oh my gosh, I love the beach!!! Wait, first of all, I am so sorry that your BF died on you. Totally not cool and V inconvenient. But I do wonder, why was he going to the beach without you in the first place? Seems like maybs he was cheating with a side b*tch? I will never understand why men can’t just let a girl know when he’s not feeling the relationship anymore, ya know? They have to go all out and be dramatic and then end up getting killed. Whatever. Anyways, back to your question—in my opinion, you have dodged a bullet and you should be feelin’ single and ready to mingle, girlfriend! But, I totes understand that some people need time to process these things, so here’s my advice... (read more)

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Ask @CandyBrandywine: Bored While Driving

"Dear Candi,

I’m a cross-country diesel trucker who often spends a long time on the open road. While I like to make sure I’m obeying all laws and safety precautions at any given time, my mind often wanders whie I’m in between major cities. Any tips on how to keep my mind from wandering to dark places?"

First of all, know that a long stretch of open highway means you can clear your mind. So, why not use your clear mind to clear out your inboxes? Take this time to get rid of all those old Facebook requests, ignored text messages, clutter in the glove compartment and empty Starbucks cups from the back seat. A clean phone and a clean car mean a clean mind!

Next, it’s time to take care of those eyebrows, honey. The rear-view mirror of most modern cars is at perfect level to address that nasty unibrow or pluck up those already-perfect eyebrows to be even better. If you don’t carry tweezers in your center console, like I do, go ahead and use your nails... (read more)

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Ask @CandyBrandywine: Substance Abuse Help

Dear Candi, I am having a seriously hard time kicking hard drugs. I know that your column rarely deals with addiction, but I’m reaching out as a last resort here. No one will answer my calls or emails and I really appreciate that you take the time to give such amazing advice. Can you help me with my hard drug problem, before I lose everything?

First of all, I’m not even going to act like I haven’t been there. I mean, those things are hard to avoid. In high school, I was deep in that scene. One night, I raided Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet with the guy I had a super huge crush on, and that’s where it all began. I will NEVER look at Bacardi Gold the same, EVER again.

Next it was pot. I remember how concerned my mom was when she caught on to my week-long bad habit of smuggling apples to smoke out of in the back yard. You guys, I was so tacky and drugged-out that someone talked me into EATING the apple when I was done. WTF. The munchies told me to do it!! I know...I’m disgusted with myself, too... (read more)

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A P.G. Guide To R-Rated Movies

by Ray McMillin

R-Rated movies are just as stupid as regular movies. However, you’re gonna need to know a few of the essential R-Rated movies if you want to look cool. So, here are a few synopses of important R-Rated movies, summarized to the point, so you don’t have to risk getting in trouble (or wasting your time), enjoy...(read more)

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Children’s Books For The Modern Age

words by Ray McMillin, art by Sean Simmans

Classic books for kids, updated for the current year...(read more)

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Things Mark Zuckerberg Can Do To Seem More Human

by Dan Stone

Following a recent appearance in front of a Senate judiciary committee, The Zuck is once again being criticized for appearing well, inhuman, in a number of curious ways. My advice to him is to read this list of, and take to heart (or whatever) these...(read more)

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Saucetown Presents: How To Work At A Dispensary

by Your Local Neighborhood Budtender

So, after getting to know the budtenders at your local shop, you have decided that it would be killer to get a job at a dispensary. You have started following the cute girl behind the counter with the dreads and septum piercing on IG, but she hasn’t even watched all of your dab videos yet—and, that greasy guy behind the counter doesn’t even know what you mean when you ask for "good shit!" I know...it can be frustrating, I was there myself. But, now, as a highly experienced budtender of eight months, I am here to share my wealth of knowledge...

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Ask @CandyBrandywine: Candi’s Single Parenting Advice

As I sit here with my child, sound asleep, all I can think about are things like, "Who will she be when she grows up?" and "What will her voice sound like when she starts talking more and develops and grows into her own person?" Like all other good, cool moms, I too wonder, "Is she getting everything she needs from me? If I leave the room while she’s asleep, will she stop breathing? And why the f**k does she insist on singing the song of her people at 3:32am, every...f**king...night?! What an asshole move.

Yes, I think it’s acceptable to call your toddler an asshole . I mean, I think one should be able to call any creature who refuses to allow another to shower and/or use the toilet (without screaming at the top of their lungs to let them in) an asshole. But, apparently, I will miss all of these AMAZING things. Miss what, bitch? You’re telling me that I am going to MISS the crying every time I leave a room? The expensive-ass medicines? Not to mention, being unable to sh*t alone and never having time to myself??? I didn’t sign up for this crap!...

There are even some single moms out there who are boujie as f**k on Instagram, with paid sponsorships! WHERE IS MY SPONSORSHIP?! Instead, I get to call my own mother to discuss fun topics, such as my child’s poop consistency... (read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Sean Simmans

We sat down with artist and madman, Sean Simmans, the man responsible for all hand-drawn wizardry in our fine publication. Without him, we would be nothing (or worse). Behind the pen is a twisted genius, a funnyman, a father and an icon to many of our readers. Enjoy...

Saucetown:So, how did you get started, what inspires you and why do you keep doing art?

Sean Simmans: I began doing art as a way to skip partaking in schoolwork, right about when grade two happened. My scribblers were full of doodles and nonsense, inspired by Mad magazines, Star Wars (brand new!), and Uncle Scrooge comics...very little of anything educational. This would be a problem for the next ten years, or so. Maybe it still is. Remember Uncle Scrooge comics? Those were fantastic! In time, I added National Lampoon, Rip Off Comix, and Heavy Metal to my reading list of mind-rot. Currently, I think I am inspired by other Artists...like, "Holy hell! That frickin’ guy is making CASH and he’s FAMOUS—I better churn out some comic nonsense and try to grab a piece of that pie!" And, seeing an odd-yet-pretty face at the grocery store can send me into an artistic spiral...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Sean Simmans

We sat down with artist and madman, Sean Simmans, the man responsible for all hand-drawn wizardry in our fine publication. Without him, we would be nothing (or worse). Behind the pen is a twisted genius, a funnyman, a father and an icon to many of our readers. Enjoy...

Saucetown:So, how did you get started, what inspires you and why do you keep doing art?

Sean Simmans: I began doing art as a way to skip partaking in schoolwork, right about when grade two happened. My scribblers were full of doodles and nonsense, inspired by Mad magazines, Star Wars (brand new!), and Uncle Scrooge comics...very little of anything educational. This would be a problem for the next ten years, or so. Maybe it still is. Remember Uncle Scrooge comics? Those were fantastic! In time, I added National Lampoon, Rip Off Comix, and Heavy Metal to my reading list of mind-rot. Currently, I think I am inspired by other Artists...like, "Holy hell! That frickin’ guy is making CASH and he’s FAMOUS—I better churn out some comic nonsense and try to grab a piece of that pie!" And, seeing an odd-yet-pretty face at the grocery store can send me into an artistic spiral...(read more)

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Cynthia Barley’s Wine Reviews

Where elitism and drunkenness colide...(read more)

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Otis Barley’s Beer Reviews: Cider Spotlight

Where elitism and drunkenness colide...(read more)

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Otis Barley’s Beer Reviews

Where elitism and drunkenness colide...(read more)

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Community Voices: I Think I’m Finally Ready To Settle Down

by Bertha White

As I approach my sexual prime, I’m finally feeling ready to date a good man. I’ve been through decades of bad boys and a handful of one-night stands that, while fun at the time, have left me feeling as if something is missing. Perhaps—and I don’t mean to disappoint my sisters out there—it might just be time to look for a decent gentleman to settle down with...(read more)

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Community Voices: What I Learned While Talking To The Homeless About Climate Change

by Brian Smugsworth

Did you know that the United States is ranked as the 86th worst country in the world when it comes to pollution? We actually pollute almost as much as Ireland and Finland combined! So, when I saw a homeless camp under the single bridge that connects my mid-sized town’s east and west sides, the first thing I thought was, "Wow! That is a LOT of single-use plastic items, littered along the riverside."...(read more)

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Community Voices: I Should Be Allowed To Hunt Reindeer In The Privacy Of My Own Backyard

by Santa Claus

Listen up, you goddamn hippie vegans—I am not going to give up my family’s ability to eat, just because a handful of whiny brats think they can get in the way of my right to hunt reindeer on my own property...(read more)

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Community Voices: Some Of My Best Friends Are Probably Black

by Becky Meyers

Everyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I champion diversity at any cost, almost to a fault. If there’s a hashtag that deals with oppression, I make sure to let my social media followers know that I support it...unless it’s one of those "no, we’re against something" hashtags, in which case I’m super against that thing...(read more)

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Community Voices: I Have No Idea How To Play Game Of Thrones

by Anthony Latecomer

Literally everyone on social media has been talking about this new game where the goal (I think) is to sleep with your siblings and kill the people closest to you, for some sort of prize. I think the winner gets a new chair or something. However, I still have no idea how to play and I’m afraid to ask, but I definitely want to get in on the trend now...(read more)

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Community Voices: Happy Valentine’s Day. Here’s An Old Photo Of You With Your Ex

by Mark Zuckerberg

People approach me on the street all the time and say, "Oh, hi, Mark. I really love the ’Facebook Memories’ feature that you guys added to my timeline. The inability to opt out of this feature makes it an easy and fun addition to my already satisfactory Facebook experience." This is why we’re taking the time to make your V-Day the happiest it can be, by soliciting to your timeline a picture of you with your ex, with no advance notice whatsoever!...(read more)

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Community Voices: I Want My Next Divorce To Be Special

by Karen Smith-Boyle

It’s every girl’s dream—to grow up, meet a man, fall in love and then take him for half of everything he has in an ugly, drawn-out legal battle. But, in the current year, so many people are getting divorced that it’s really hard to make a separation stand out. That’s why I promise to make my next divorce the best one ever...(read more)

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Community Voices: I Refuse To Let Uncle Sam Take Away My 3rd Amendment Rights

by Chester Woodchop, American

I know it’s fashionable to be all anti-patriotic these days, with all the damn kids running around in their safe spaces, demanding to take away my guns, but listen here, people: I’ll have you know, they can take away my first two amendments. But, I’m not gonna budge when it comes to the third one. As the bumper sticker explicitly states "No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."...(read more)

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Community Voices: I’m Ashamed At My Gay Son’s Disgusting Choice In Men

by Brock Hammersmith, father

I remember when my son, Brian, first came out as a gay teen—it was a time when I was prepared to be fully supportive in his sexual orientation, but nothing could have prepared me for his disgusting choice to date Jeff, a gas station attendant well into his thirties. Any proud father would want the best for his gay son, yet my kid’s taste in men has left me feeling ashamed. Perhaps it is the blind ignorance of my generation that led me to believe gay men were strong, smart, successful and attractive, but Brian is sure as hell proving me wrong.

Yeah, I know it sounds ignorant and old-fashioned. But, I never pictured myself as the father to a gay son with no taste in men, let alone fashion or music. Aren’t homosexuals supposed to be well-kept, attractive and up on the latest trends? Not my kid. He’s currently at a county fair with this boyfriend, waiting to see Foreigner (not the original lineup, by the way) and I fully expect him to come home smelling like Coors Light and non-menthol cigarettes. I’m sorry, but no gay son of mine will be caught drinking beer from an aluminum can...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Marc Price

Comedian and actor Marc Price is known for many things, from playing the part of "Skippy" on the beloved ’80s sitcom, Family Ties, to touring the country and headlining stand-up comedy shows. With a career that spans decades, it is an honor for us to share some of his knowledge.

Saucetown: You were a character on a beloved sitcom, Family Ties. Aside from cartoons, there really don’t seem to be a lot of beloved sitcoms on television these days. Why were the ’80s and ’90s so awesome, in terms of sitcoms?

Marc Price: For one thing, everyone was nice. Occasionally, there was a clear-cut bad guy that came with his own evil feet music, so we all knew. And then, that bad guy got his comeuppance at the end. Nowadays on television, everybody’s a prick. It’s fun sometimes, to switch back-and-forth from the retro channels to the regular channels and watch the difference—give it a try. And, in some ways, our show might have had a little to do with the change. Married With Children was bigger, but our character, Alex P, Keaton (I guess it’s Michael J Fox’s character—notice how I took ownership) was so lovable, because Michael J. Fox is so lovable and yet his political positions were cold and he might have started the whole crazy Republican, far-right thing.

Saucetown: What’s some advice you could give to up-and-coming stand-up comedians? Is a career in comedy worth pursuing for most people?

Marc Price: Back in the day, I would encourage everybody. But, now, with the way the seniors are at the moment, you really got to think twice before you make a commitment to a career in stand-up comedy. Maybe, soon, the next wave of whatever will emerge and evolve, and then it will be a great time to jump in...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: MC Lars

Saucetown recently caught up with MC Lars, an established rapper who has appeared on multiple festival lineups, released countless albums and is the only person on YouTube to provide his audience with music videos about Edgar Allen Poe.

Saucetown: What’s New With You?

MC Lars: I am releasing an EP about Who Framed Roger Rabbit, in honor of the 30th anniversary. It’s called Notes From Toontown and it will most likely be out when this goes to press.

Saucetown: how close are we To A.I. becoming self-aware and do you have any tips for dealing with gigantic, killer robots (that you have not yet addressed in your music)?

MC Lars: Befriend them now! Speak nicely when discussing their powers, because they are listening. Once we reach the singularity, it will be curtains and we most likely won’t have a ska soundtrack...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Jade Nile

Saucetown recently caught up with adult film actress and Portland-based performer, Jade Nile, for a PG-13-rated interview and extended pizzafold shoot.

Saucetown: What type of pizza does a professional sexy lady eat, and why? What pizzas would you recommend staying away from?

Jade Nile: I recommend eating all the pizza. Especially if it’s vegan and gluten free. But make sure the cheese is real. You know, keep your pizza priorities straight.

Saucetown: You've performed locally, via feature sets at Kit Kat Club. How do you like the NW? Why are there so many damn hipsters in Portland and how do you deal with that crowd? What are your true, honest thoughts on Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Jade Nile: I love the PNW so much I’ve moved here twice this year. The hipsters drove me out of town and then brought me back. Love hate relationship, you know? Pabst is like their water, and I admire how the hipsters bathe it in. I tried it once. Not for me. I’ll stick around though...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Alex Elkin

In between living the family life and preparing his 2019 comedy album, Screaming At Shapes, comedian Alex Elkin caught up with Saucetown to discuss everything from pizza to comedy. As the winner of the San Francisco Comedy Competition and a feature on the Netflix show, Trinkets, Alex Elkin is far from a "local" comedian, even though he is based near Eugene, Oregon.

Saucetown: What’s the best advice you could give to a road comic?

Alex Elkin: A continental breakfast is a continental breakfast whether or not you’re a "guest" of the hotel or have just slept in your car in the parking lot. Feeling tired? Gas prices killing your bottom line? Remember that AAA will tow you and your car up to 100 miles, no questions asked.

Saucetown: What are your best and worst experiences from the road?

Alex Elkin: The best was when a couple told me they drove a 150-mile round trip, out of their way, to come see me at this no-name barbecue joint in the middle of nowhere. They told me they’d seen me a month prior. That night, they’d decided they wanted to get back to normal life after losing their infant daughter to SIDS. They came to my comedy show, and for the first time in the months of their mourning, they laughed and they were people again. They came to see me all that way because I made them feel like they weren’t just people stricken with a loss and life wasn’t so bad for a moment...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Killjoy

This month, we are talking with a rapper and producer who actually reached out to us, so we are more than happy to show him some love. Fatty’s House Recording artist, Killjoy, joins us...

Saucetown: On the note of high-budget (no pun intended) Batmobile-and-cannabis infused music videos, what are some other benefits of being independent, other than not having to ask a major label permission (and being told "no") to using real fire in the videos? How did you go about learning how to book/tour/produce etc? Why do you think some acts are overlooked?

Killjoy: I assume the reason underground artists may be looked at in a certain kind of way by the mainstream is because they are small fish, in a sense. So it’s like a whale and a guppy might both be in the same ocean, but they don’t acknowledge each other like that. At Fattys House, we try to blur the line as much as possible, because we do see the merit, the hustle and the drive of all of these artists. Regardless of what tier they are on, what box you put them in or whatever. That, right there, is one of the main reasons I love being independent, which kinda moves into the next part of the question. I am working with mainstream and underground artists, back-to-back, and because of that, I am putting people on records with other artists who have never worked together before...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Sean Simmans

We sat down with artist and madman, Sean Simmans, the man responsible for all hand-drawn wizardry in our fine publication. Without him, we would be nothing (or worse). Behind the pen is a twisted genius, a funnyman, a father and an icon to many of our readers. Enjoy...

Saucetown:So, how did you get started, what inspires you and why do you keep doing art?

Sean Simmans: I began doing art as a way to skip partaking in schoolwork, right about when grade two happened. My scribblers were full of doodles and nonsense, inspired by Mad magazines, Star Wars (brand new!), and Uncle Scrooge comics...very little of anything educational. This would be a problem for the next ten years, or so. Maybe it still is. Remember Uncle Scrooge comics? Those were fantastic! In time, I added National Lampoon, Rip Off Comix, and Heavy Metal to my reading list of mind-rot. Currently, I think I am inspired by other Artists...like, "Holy hell! That frickin’ guy is making CASH and he’s FAMOUS—I better churn out some comic nonsense and try to grab a piece of that pie!" And, seeing an odd-yet-pretty face at the grocery store can send me into an artistic spiral...(read more)

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Saucetown Interview: Wiley Roberts

Saucetown recently caught up with Wiley Roberts, a professional stand-up comedian who has been working in the entertainment business for decades. Wiley has appeared on MTV, Comedy Central, Politically Incorrect and in the film, The Hot Chick.

Saucetown: You recently recorded two comedy albums. How did you tackle the process of recording live albums?

Wiley Roberts: The first one I recorded was called Pizza And Drunk White Women. I recorded it at Shotski’s in Salem...That was a crazy night, Full of chaos and drunk women (laughs)! It was a ‘test run’ for my Zoom H-6. When I listened to it, it sounded good, but it had too much stuff going on, in the way of audience noise. I think I’m gonna hold on to it, in case I need to play it for people who think this sh*t is easy...(read more)

"MISSED CONNECTION" TURNS OUT TO BE DODGED BULLET

March 2019

A Craigslist ad placed late last Wednesday evening actually serves as a reminder of the recipient’s luck and a need for increased awareness regarding the safety of strangers in public... (read more)

KARAOKE SINGER STOPS BELIEVING

Feburary 2019

After attempting to hold on to that feeling for more than three minutes, intoxicated bar patron, divorcee and karaoke singer, "Big" Kimmy Chesterfield, gave up on believing and just held on to the mic for the remainder of her song, while attending South Sunnyside Bar & Grill’s "Sing With Tha Stars" event... (read more)

THAT ONE PLACE YOU USED TO EAT AT SUCKS NOW

Feburary 2019

Sources close to you have indicated that the place with the good tacos got bought out by some people from California, and now the food is pretty bland, even though they have a new bar... (read more)

HIPSTER PREFERS LAST YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

January 2019

According to close friends and family, vegan socialite and area hipster, Steven Smithey, actually likes the stuff he committed to doing in 2018, compared to anything he plans on doing this year... (read more)

NEPHEW BRINGS UP POLITICS AND RELIGION TO AVOID TALKING BITCOIN AT THE DINNER TABLE

December 2018

While enjoying a holiday dinner with his family, cryptocurrency enthusiast and worst goddamn nephew ever, Dan Corn, opted to quickly change the topic when Bitcoin was brought up, to a less controversial and more appropriate topic for discussion... (read more)

CELEBRATION OF MASS MURDER TO INCLUDE VEGAN TURKEY OPTIONS

November 2018

While many Americans are gearing up to celebrate the mass genocide and extinction of their country’s indigenous population, several progressive households are making sure that they don’t act like savages, choosing instead to consume soy-based, vegan, turkey-flavored tofu, with raw kale from Trader Joe’s... (read more)

TINDER MATCH TO BLAME FOR FOREST FIRE

November 2018

Two Salem-area residents were arrested last week, after the recently matched couple forgot to fully extinguish their campfire, during a brief hookup near Detroit Lake... (read more)

TROOPERS DISCOVER FIVE TONS OF TOBACCO CONCEALED IN MEDICAL CANNABIS

October 2018

Earlier this week, Oregon State Troopers pulled over a truck for a minor traffic infraction, but soon discovered over five tons of unregistered, non-taxable tobacco, imported from nearby Idaho... (read more)

POLICE CALLED OVER POSSIBLE UNDERGROUND SNACK FOOD RING

September 2018

An African-American child was reported to have been soliciting snack foods to residents near the 5600 block of Caucasian Heights Road in West Linn, Oregon, according to area police. The child, described by 44-year-old West Linn resident Barb Taylor as "intimidating, possibly violent and definitely illegal," is said to have been accepting cash in exchange for shortbread cookies and candy-coated mints... (read more)

GRANTS PASS, OREGON VOTES TO LEGALIZE EVERYTHING

September 2018

As of September 1st, all crime in Josephine County, Oregon will be legal. Residents are Encouraged to continue on as normal... (read more)

‘RISE OF SKYWALKER’ FILMING IS NEARLY 60% FINISHED

December 2019

Fans of the latest and last installment in the Star Wars franchise will be pleased to know that the film is almost two-thirds of the way done and on schedule for its release, but audiences will have to wait nearly a month to see it... (read more)

TRANSGENDER ATHLETE FINALLY RECEIVES MEDIA COVERAGE RELATED TO SPORTS

November 2019

LGBTQ activists and sports fans rejoiced, as Shaun Summers became the first trans athlete to appear in a broadcast related to sports and athletics... (read more)

SALEM ART FAIR TO FEATURE LOCAL ARTIST

August 2019

The Spirit Mountain Verizon HP Tesla Salem Art Fair (Presented By Facebook)—an Oregon staple that continues to attract dozens of recurring visitors to Bush Park each July—has decided to show some love to the Willamette Valley, by featuring one of its best artists... (read more)

FEDS TO LIST GIRL SCOUT COOKIES AS SCHEDULE II NARCOTIC

June 2019

After years of fleecing the American people for their hard-earned cash, the Girl Scouts Of America have just been dealt a tough blow in the form of federal sanctions against their peddling of addictive, savory, chemical-laced snack products... (read more)

EXPERTS PREDICT TAP HOUSING MARKET COLLAPSE

April 2019

Economists and casual beer drinkers have both indicated an exhaustion in the tap housing market, with the trend of smug bar owners charging nine dollars for a warm pint of apple-flavored lager expected to come to a long-awaited halt sometime this summer... (read more)

HEADLINE NEEDED

March 2019

Hey Karen, I went to the store for a few minutes. Can you put something here before we go to print?... (read more)

PORTLAND, OREGON TURNS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD

Feburary 2019

Close friends and family wished the city of Portland, Oregon a happy fifteenth birthday last month... (read more)

AMAZON JOBS STOLEN FROM FRONT PORCH

January 2019

While many Oregon residents are excited at the prospects of new jobs at Amazon arriving at their doorsteps, many have complained that their careers are disappearing in broad daylight... (read more)

GLORIFIED DRUG DEALER GETS ALL PISSY OVER FREE HUMOR MAGAZINE

January 2019

Barbara Eyel-Onestaria, owner of Eve’s Bean & Blunt, has recently expressed a serious objection to a harmless pile of free comedy magazines, claiming they promote alternative lifestyles and counter-culture humor... (read more)

DUTCH BROS EMPLOYEE OVERHEATS

December 2018

After a rapid-fire series of inquiries regarding how her customer’s day was going, plans for later and preference regarding whipped cream, Dutch Bros barista Jaxton Taylor became overheated and shut down, before being rushed to a nearby Pac-Sun, to be refurbished and sent to another stand... (read more)

STUDY FINDS AIR TRAVEL IS TEN TIMES SAFER THAN MOST WINCO LOCATIONS

November 2018

With the holidays soon approaching, many travelers are coming face-to-face with their fear of flying. However, a recent study has confirmed that a person boarding an airplane is over ten times less likely to die than a Winco shopper... (read more)

REPUBLICANS MAY TAKE OVER THE OREGON HOUSE OF PANCAKES

November 2018

It may be a bleak month ahead for local Democrats who are expecting to get their breakfast served to them on time, sources inside a local pancake restaurant informed Saucetown this week... (read more)

APPLEBEE’S PREPARES FOR SEASONAL AFFECT DISORDER

October 2018

With thousands of Americans getting ready to tackle the crippling depression they experience during the early holiday season, Applebee’s is preparing for their yearly influx of sad customers... (read more)

CATHOLIC CHURCH WILL SOON ACCEPT BITCOIN

September 2018

In the latest in a series of continued efforts to modernize, Pope Francis has reported that the Catholic church WILL soon accept major cryptocurrencies, including Bitcoin (BTC), Litecoin (LTC), Ethereum (ETH), Dogecoin (DOGE) and Neo (NEO)... (read more)

PORTLAND, OREGON MAY USE PROTESTERS TO DIVERT TRAFFIC DURING BRIDGE CLOSURES

September 2018

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler recently proposed utilizing preexisting groups of citizens who have proven to provide effective, inexpensive methods of stopping interstate freeway traffic, in order to cut construction costs associated with upcoming bridge closures... (read more)

STARBUCKS ADOPTS ATHIESM TO AVOID HOLIDAY PACKAGING CONTROVERSY

December 2019

Due to a series of protests and general public backlash over the coffee chain’s approach to holiday decor, Starbucks has announced that their company will now stand united against all forms of religion, up to and including those which celebrate major holidays... (read more)

WINE AUNT LIVES, LAUGHS

November 2019

According to insider sources, area wine aunt and thrice-divorced jewelry re-seller Traci Jones-Peterson has recently enjoyed several forms of comedic entertainment and has yet to die... (read more)

STARBUCKS CORPORATION UNDER FIRE FOR NOT PROMOTING BLACK COFFEE

July 2019

After a social media backlash brought attention to Starbucks and their lack of in-house promotion of black coffee, the Seattle-based company is responding to criticism... (read more)

ILLEGAL SALES OF PLASTIC BAGS SEE SHARP INCREASE

June 2019

As more and more Oregon-area businesses attempt to curtail centuries of geologic evolution by mandating usage of paper bags for shoppers, not everyone is falling for the brown bag craze. Some folks, mainly those who operate outside of the law, are taking things into their own hands, literally... (read more)

TAX SEASONING ADDED TO LOCAL BURGER RECIPE

April 2019

Mark Jackson, owner of The Bohemian Bun & Bovinae, expressed anxious enthusiasm about his restaurant’s new menu options, which now include a few minor additions to adjust for what he calls "the unexpectedly surprising taste of reality."... (read more)

SUPERBOWL ADVERTISEMENT ENDS RACISM

Feburary 2019

As of Sunday, February 3rd, 2019, racism is no longer a thing, thanks to a polished, woke advertisement from Adidas... (read more)

MCDONALD’S SHAKE MACHINE IN WORKING CONDITION

Feburary 2019

Scientists and statisticians were baffled last month, after a Corvallis-area customer requested a chocolate shake from a McDonald’s drive-thru, to which an employee responded with "Sure, will that complete your order?"... (read more)

COLORADO FORGETS TO RENEW THEIR CANNABIS LAWS

January 2019

Denver-area officials completely spaced updating their paperwork for the new calendar year, and now everything is all messed up... (read more)

PORTLAND TO INSTALL GREEN LIGHT CAMERAS

December 2018

Due to a rapid increase in drivers seemingly asleep at the wheel, the city of Portland, OR has opted to install lack-of-motion-sensing cameras at major intersections between S.E. Powell and West Burnside... (read more)

STUDY DEBUNKS THE PRESENCE OF BABY GAP

December 2018

Although the argument against data backing the existence of a supposed Baby Gap has been around for years, Salem Center Mall management has officially cleared up any rumors regarding such a thing... (read more)

BEST BUY IN HOT WATER FOR "ALL FRIDAYS MATTER" SALE

November 2018

Consumer electronics chain Best Buy recently took to social media to apologize for the #AllFridaysMatter hashtag, started by an employee of the store in an attempt to extend Black Friday sales to every Friday of the month... (read more)

O.L.C.C., O.M.M.P., GET WASTED AND FORGET WHAT THE OTHER ONE STANDS FOR

November 2018

Sources indicate that the duo got so baked and drunk that they ended up sitting in the Sonic drive-thru, two hours after the place had closed, laughing at a picture of ice cream... (read more)

SMALL TOWN WITH NO ECONOMY OPENS ARTISAN BURGER SHOP

October 2018

While jobs remain sparse, potholes litter the commute, emergency services are forced to beg for funding and the homeless problem continues to go unaddressed. Yet, one heroic local burger shop is taking a stance against non-organic produce, pink slime and non-craft beer... (read more)

FEMINIST GROUPS NOT OUTRAGED OVER LATEST VIDEO GAME RELEASE

September 2018

In a shocking and unpredictable turn of events, radical feminist activist groups have recently expressed benign approval of Rockstar Games' latest release, Red Dead Redemption 2. While developers initially anticipated a significant amount of backlash from progressive media, figureheads for the feminist movement have recently gone on record as stating that the new video game is "in no way problematic."... (read more)

SALEM, OREGON MAYOR TO RESIDENTS: WATER IS ‘PROBABLY PRETTY SAFE BY NOW’

September 2018

In an official statement made last week, Chuck Bennett, mayor of Oregon's third-largest metropolitan area, told City Council that he "feels Salem water is most likely, probably pretty safe by now... (read more)

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